Guilty

February 12th, 2009

There was this trial I was not privy of and I was the one on trial. I had no defense, I could not afford a lawyer, and the jury consisted of every judgmental person in my life. I received the verdict in the mail. The rest is history.

Actually that did not happen literally. It has just happened in my mind. I am filled with guilt. It gnaws at my insides. I continue to dwell on things I have recognized as being wrong in my life. The problem is even though I have turned away from bad habits, wrong judgments, the inability to delay gratification and irresponsibility, I still feel like I need to keep apologizing. I have ran out of people to apologize to. I asked God to forgive me. I am trying out replacement behaviors in lieu of the wrong ones. I want to change.

I can’t forgive myself.

I just feel like if I tear myself down in my mind, maybe I will finally be able to make peace with myself. I think all the guilt is literally eating the lining of my stomach away. I try to remind myself that even though I don’t deserve it, those I have hurt have forgiven me. My therapist says to stop the negative thinking and replace it with positive affirmations. She actually gave me a list. I am not real diligent at doing that.

I think that just like it takes a while to forgive someone who has hurt us, it takes a while to forgive the self that hurts us.

I hurt me. Now I have to go through the process to forgive me.