I am not alone

February 19th, 2009

I like to watch people. I find observing other people fascinating. It is amazing to see people’s expressions as they go about usual and unusual tasks. As I watch others, I think: ”Are folks watching me?” Then, I wonder: ”Do they see the sadness I feel inside? “Is the often depressed expression layered on my face?” My inner world sometimes never changes. I get caught up in a whirl of unending sadness. I grieve for everything from lost loved ones, lost youth, to lost reality. The disappointments that plague me build upon themselves. I thought at one point the crisis would end. I want the next thing that happens to not devestate me, but give me hope. I can only imagine when I go about my own usual and unusual tasks the hurt inside seeps out. It can come out sometimes subtly, then at other times, outwardly expressing itself to no end.

When I watch others, I think too: “Do they struggle with the same feelings as me?” Like, the lady at the the grocery store I see several times a week. “Does she have pain behind the friendly smile?” I pass this same man in the same car everyday on my way to work. “Is he thinking of grand blessings or pondering life without hope?” What about the boy I see riding his bicycle to school: “Does he feel so void he has thought about taking his own life?” I find I get a much greater perspective on my situation when I regard it in light of those present around me. We all have pain. When I consider the feelings of others, I strangely don’t feel so alone. Watching others and considering what they are feeling brings a silent connection.

I watch to see, to consider, and to know, I am not alone.