Something to enjoy

February 9th, 2009

Sometimes I simply feel old and weary from fighting with my brain. I think we’d both like a cease fire but Madeline Albright is retired. As more emotions come to the surface the anxiety is increasing and I am becoming more sensitive to images and words. Experiences have a stronger impact on me. Violent images on TV and in the news are very disturbing so I am careful what I watch and read. A Buddhist monk said that just like food, we need to be vigilant of what ALL our senses ingest so that we avoid toxic substances. I am beginning to remember that I have always been sensitive to these things but forgot this while medicated.

One pleasure that I have gained back is the ability to spend time alone. On meds there was a feeling that this was somehow incorrect and I felt pushed to be around people. Now, I can happily spend time in my own company without the fear of isolating myself and becoming depressed. If I start to feel crappy it is an easy thing to pick up the phone and see a friend for coffee. I don’t understand why the doctors made my need to spend time alone as something that was unhealthy. Under the influence of medication it may have been but now it is simply something to enjoy.