December 23rd, 2009

Something is not right about the way I handle things. I don’t handle things, I run away from them, as far as I can, until they build up with other things I didn’t handle and they end up smashing me. It seems to me now, that everytime I have to face something serious, I burst in anxiety attacks, I collapse my brain, numb my senses and stop thinking. Whatever helps me to do that, it’s welcome, even if it’s bad for me in the long run. The point of it all it’s to stop thinking, put my brain in a coma and hope that whatever it’s wrong goes away. After the anxiety attack is over, I try my best not to think about what triggered it in the first place, so once again, I avoid discussing the issue in my mind, and everything goes back into apparent calm. In this situation I’m the best at compartmentalizing, and pretend nothing is wrong, and whine about things like the weather and the mean people instead.

I’m feeling like I’m the weakest person in the world. I see how I’m falling apart just because I have to do something other people prove in many areas. I don’t understand how they do it. I guess it’s not so hard for them. Maybe I am indeed weaker than them. But, why do I have to prove I’m not? What am I trying to prove and to who? What will I get if I finish it? There’s nothing I want waiting for me there. It is not my dream to be a rich man, it never has been. But most adults are stuck doing things they don’t want to do and they still hold themselves together. Why do they? I don’t think it’s something to be proud of, I think they’re just avoiders like me. I don’t think you’re strong just for holding on in a bad situation. I think it’s natural to be able to resist anything, just standing there. Anyone can do that. It’s the nature of living organisms. I think strong would be to take a chance outside the safety zone, because that part is much harder, and much more scary. I admire anyone who has been able to do that.

Right now I don’t feel I’m strong minded enough to even stand up, and I feel like I’m broken, I have the urge to just lie down, somewhere waiting for the bad feelings to fade. And it would happen. But I have to do a thousand of things everyday, I have to make a decision now if I don’t want to waste my  2 hours of sleep per day, to either use my compartmentalization powers again, snap out of it and keep resisting, or …otherwise. But I guess I will just put off the issue for another day and just go by the default option.


Anonymous said...

m a bottler too, but when stress gets to me i can cry at any moment. i haven’t found a way to deal with it, but if i can do something to keep my mind off the problems then i’ll do it. and when i’m waiting for sleep to come, that’s when i can’t run away from it. i just keep telling myself it’ll be over soon. and the next morning, it doesn’t seem so bad as it was yesterday.

Anonymous said...

it’s always better in the mornings. I guess avoiding things isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes there are things we should just ignore.