Abstract Selfishness

December 17th, 2009

It’s not a good idea.

But is it my fear speaking? Or am I right and I’m just dreaming little boy’s dreams? Maybe I am just wanting to have a different life? Better?

Unrealistic expectations?

Will ANYTHING EVER be good enough for me?

What the hell is wrong? Why can’t I take life as it is? why am I never satisfied? Why am I always loking outside trying to get something better? I want satisfaction. I want to feel fulfilled. Why? That’s not the way life it’s supposed to be, life it’s supposed to be hard, with sacrifices.

I don’t mean I want it to be hard.

I just mean… I think I’m going to hit a giant brick wall after I realize the world isn’t the way I thought, after I go out and find out everything else (and everyone else) is just the same way than the things I loathe (and the people). And then I’ll be caught in a world I hate, and it’ll only be my fault, for expecting too much. Why am I expecting so much, who drew butterflies and rainbows in my mind, and why can’t I get rid of them?

But maybe, just maybe, the world and things I dream of may be just real, somewhere.

It’s nothing speficic.

I just want satisfaction.

I want real, steady satisfaction.

Not the crazy maniac episodes of fake excitement.

A little window showing what “happy” is but not letting me in completely.

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