I had no idea who I was

December 21st, 2009

NOT A CLUE. Not the slightest thing to cling on to serve as a pattern for having intense fun through the misery of others a little. Because I knew that’s what most people were doing. I didn't care anymore about  anyone or anything for the matter what happened in my life. My realization was a huge crush with the world.

I decided I hated my current pattern of thoughts. I wanted to get rid of it. I wanted to be NORMAL. I wanted to laugh and have lots of friends and have a girl friend and be like all those people that look so happy.

So shall i work on it?

What happened is that I passed from being moodless to be predominantly depressed.

I had not been able to make all this into shape before… right now it seems like it makes sense, but I had not considered it before.

Maybe this crash I had, between my inner world deprived of feelings and full of logic and reasoning; and the ideal of something that would be more fulfilling and ordinary is the origin of my depression.

Maybe not, but at least I have one hypothesis now.

In the PRESENT time, and after a lot of struggling, I’ve managed to balance things. They say balance is good, but balance is also ordinary. Extremes are special, and I still want to be special. I’ve had some of the best experiences ever when in AIRVOiCE (my office) . But I feel less smart, and many times I feel lots of guilt for leaving my little exceptional world pursuing something… so vain?

I wanted so badly to be normal. But I don’t want to be ordinary either.

Idealy, I’d like to be special and at the same time, normal.

I didn’t feel anything before. Now I feel too much.

And honestly, I don’t know what’s better.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi, I just stumbled across this post randomly and felt compelled to leave a comment.

I know exactly how you feel, down to the last detail. I want to be normal but I also want to be special in some way. I hope you somehow manage to find yourself and in that get your happiness back.