December 15th, 2009
I need to start working but I can’t. I also haven’t blogged for 4 months
( Aug, Sep, Oct, Nov) because a lot has happened in a short time. I’ll get around it eventually but the main idea is that I’m working again. I’m not seeing my readers but doing research work. It’s flexible schedule
and I can work from home, seems perfect. It’s my best chance to graduate, but something is not right.
I’m a little sick of my own complaining. I’ll just record a few unconnected thoughts for posterity.
1. I often fear I’m going to die before I accomplish everything I want to do. I don’t want to die without leaving a mark. And the little scratch I made in a tree when I was 16 doesn’t count.
2. I do like the person I am and what I’m becoming. It is a great help to like yourself. It is a good feeling, and a good tool to deal with adversity. I can appreciate it now because it’s not always been this way.
3. My self esteem is not too great most of the time. I’ve hated myself. I’ve disliked myself deeply and for a long time.
4. I probably only like myself now because I haven’t been around other people in a while. Know the phrase “I only like me when I’m alone”?. Nevertheless, I think this perception is more accurate than the one I get when I’m around other people, as the latter is a result of social anxiety and lack of assertiveness in many situations that trigger automatic thoughts of self loathing.
5. I often find myself doing wishful thinking about what my life would be if I could live abroad. And feel frustrated at the fact that I can’t do it now. It drives me nuts the possibility of dying after only knowing a teeny tiny portion of the planet.
6. However, I also fear to make my dream come true in case I screw up. But it’s also true that there are lots of places to go.
7. My ethnicity is not a big part of my identity now, but it might be when I live somewhere else.
8. My looks don’t really worry me much most of the time. I’m glad my brain is not obsessing about that.
9. I usually think that if I don’t write down my thoughts, I will forget them. I have a terrible memory.
10. I've read some of my old posts without recognizing what I was thinking at the time.
11. I wish I was a better writer, because I dislike not being able to present my thoughts in a reliable way. It’s very possible that the things I remember about my life and myself are not very reliable. I can remember the retelling of a story, but with each retelling the story changes shape until there’s only a vague idea of what the original thought was. It drives me nuts.
12. Memories are often linked with emotions. I suspect I lack some conection between my cerebral cortex and my limbic system, so for any given memory I try to keep, I’ll remember more facts than what the memory is actually supposed to evoke.
13. I’m like a moth to a flame with smart people. I have low tolerance for ignorance, and sometimes that makes me act like an idiot.
14. I fear that because I suffer from depression, the people I care about feel inhibited when they are going through hard times. Just because I’m not doing well at any given time doesn’t mean I think other people’s problems are less important.
15. In 2008, I, for the first time pictured what it would be like if I and Anipra had a child and smiled at the thought. I must have been independent at the time.
16. I don’t think I’m going to work as a Business Man. It’s not only because it’s hard but because I don’t want to. I still want to graduate to get some closure and open some doors in the world of opportunities.
17. In one year and four months I will have lived a quarter of a century. O_o
18. I suspect I might be mildly in love with Anipra again. For the people who know me, this should be shocking. Except they probably already know by now.
19. I’m not too fond of clothes.
20. I would love to go to elliots beach but I wouldn't like to live in one of those higher communities.
21. One day I’d like to: Buy an Himalayan rail pass and everything else I would need for an Kashmir trip; do the kashmir trip; do snow riding; visit the Great Himalayas and scuba dive.
22. I would like to learn to speak Dutch, to dust off my math-related brain synapses, and to learn some physics. For now.
23. I would like to play piano. I always picture myself playing piano for my favorite ar rahman's songs in front of lots of people and imagine the euphoria I’d get off it.
24. If I had the chance to go to the space, I’d be very afraid of leaving the planet. At least without seeing most of it. I’m very fond of the Earth.(its toooooo much i think so ! )
25. I don’t like to feel the sun on my skin. I’m always thinking “Cell damage! Cell damage! DNA breaking! Ahhh!”
26. I have a very clean mind and I like it.
27. I absolutely despise jallikattu(bull catching). Everybody cheers when the bull gets stabbed but it’s a big tragedy if the bull fights back and hurts the human.(in Madurai)
28. I have never seen snow, and I’m currently very jealous of all the people who are enjoying it.
29. I like water, I am good at swimming. But I am not fit enough. You know, sedentarism. I may drown by getting tired.
30. I’ve never really been interested in politics. However, if I find myself obsessed with a specific subject, I will go passionate about it. In my country at least, no political position has appealed me enough.
I always say I’m going to correct that…
