July 1st, 2009
I say to myself, and to others:
You can be broken down, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can fall apart, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can have nothing to offer for now, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can be at your lowest ebb, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can be depressed, contorted, wounded, or distraught, and I will hold and love you that way.
I will do this with no insistence that you be fixed.
Especially for my depressed Indian.
Feeling better
June 30th, 2009
I posted three days back about how I am feeling remarkably good. My depression has subsided to a very manageable level. I know that this is for sure the case since today I not only sewed for a while but I also cleaned my desk well for the first time in months. When you are feeling awful it is so much easier to walk in to your house and walk past all of the mess and crawl in bed. I’m glad that I dealt with most of it cause it makes me feel so much better and productive. I forget how great the space I live in is when it’s not a disaster. It’s awesome to be able to walk in to a light filled home that’s clean. I think its because of Krithi and Kavin.
I posted three days back about how I am feeling remarkably good. My depression has subsided to a very manageable level. I know that this is for sure the case since today I not only sewed for a while but I also cleaned my desk well for the first time in months. When you are feeling awful it is so much easier to walk in to your house and walk past all of the mess and crawl in bed. I’m glad that I dealt with most of it cause it makes me feel so much better and productive. I forget how great the space I live in is when it’s not a disaster. It’s awesome to be able to walk in to a light filled home that’s clean. I think its because of Krithi and Kavin.
I am Gloomy
June 29th, 2009
Today is gloomy and so I am gloomy. I cannot believe how much the weather affects me. When it rains I get manic because I love rain so much. When there is wind or thunder and lightening I have panic attacks from the random noise. Random noises set me off. That includes construction work, fireworks, etc. The sunshine makes me manic. So I have to work to fight all of it and maintain some medium ground.
Today is gloomy and so I am gloomy. I cannot believe how much the weather affects me. When it rains I get manic because I love rain so much. When there is wind or thunder and lightening I have panic attacks from the random noise. Random noises set me off. That includes construction work, fireworks, etc. The sunshine makes me manic. So I have to work to fight all of it and maintain some medium ground.
God In My Life
June 27th, 2009
At this point god is not part of my life and I am okay with that. It’s difficult to accept everything else when that is an issue for me. I was raised very religious and it was a horrible experience for me. Life altering really. I’m not prepared to have god in my life. Am I right!
At this point god is not part of my life and I am okay with that. It’s difficult to accept everything else when that is an issue for me. I was raised very religious and it was a horrible experience for me. Life altering really. I’m not prepared to have god in my life. Am I right!
Better, better, better
June 26th, 2009
Well, the medicine is working. We half ed my dose and I am feeling so much better. I am sleeping soundly and I am feeling rested up. I have slowed down which is a great sign. The “bad thoughts” are completely gone. The only real problem right now is feeling exhausted no matter how much I sleep. Small price to pay for being able to stay at home and take care of my family and myself. What a relief.
Well, the medicine is working. We half ed my dose and I am feeling so much better. I am sleeping soundly and I am feeling rested up. I have slowed down which is a great sign. The “bad thoughts” are completely gone. The only real problem right now is feeling exhausted no matter how much I sleep. Small price to pay for being able to stay at home and take care of my family and myself. What a relief.
Two Minute Review : Mayandi Kudumbathar
June 25th, 2009
You're a bit wary of the plot and its execution, though; it might be a record to have so many directors on board, but this is like a doctor undergoing an operation -- he knows too much to let someone else take the reins.
As it turns out, once you've gotten past the rather irritating voice-over introductions, things aren't that bad: each character is introduced in a steady fashion, giving space to all, starting from Mayandi (Manivannan), his strong and affectionate sons Thavasi (Ponvannan), Virumandi (Seeman), Cheenichamy (Jegannath), and Paraman (Tharun Gopi). His brother Virumandi (G M Kumar) and his sons, Chokkan (Ravi Maria), Chinnu (Nanda Periyasami) are permanently at loggerheads with their cousins, barring Mayandi (Singampuli), who's mentally challenged, but nevertheless likes his uncle very well. Added to the mix is the money-grubbing Sonakkaruppu (Raj Kapoor ), who, with his wife Mayakka (Deepa) -- Mayandi's daughter -- often makes unreasonable demands on them. Still, Mayandi's sons are so good-hearted that they grudge not a penny.
Essentially, this is more a family saga than a plain story: Mayandi's first two sons are already married with wives Thavamani (Poovitha) and Pavunu (Kaniya) who patently dislike the joint-family system and are desperate to move out. In the meantime, there's the widowed Azhagamma (S Priya), Mayandi's widowed sister and her daughter Pecchi (Thamizarasi), living nearby, and who have to be provided for.
It's a happy family more or less; Paraman, the last of the brothers has never known his mother and his affection for his father leads him to emotional outbursts. Romance blooms while he's still in school with the fresh-faced Poongodi (Poongodi), and the two carry on long after college.
In the meantime, there's the happy-go-lucky Cheenichamy who arranges sound systems at fairs, and whose marriage is arranged to Dhanam (Hema). Plenty of good-natured family hilarity ensues, with Virumandi's son Mayandi providing laughs. Virumandi (Seeman) is an activist who spends a good deal of his time parleying for the rights of villagers -- which merits him an introduction song anyway.
But no family can continue in paradise; troubles creep up one by one. The biggest catastrophe strikes when Mayandi dies in a freak accident -- and suddenly, everything and everyone threaten the brothers' love for each other.
Sometimes, there's a strong whiff of Vikaraman's screenplay, especially when Sabesh-Murali pop in with their theme song (the musical duo supposedly said they were moved by Rasu Madhuravan's narration, during which he wept often), at others, you're reminded very strongly of the sentimental sagas of the 60s, when every character had miles of dialogue to cover, and spoke reams about love, loyalty, duty and country.
And yet -- perhaps it's because the actors are directors who are well aware of emotion and just how to bring it onscreen -- their body language and dialogue delivery, no matter how stilted the words, are almost perfect. Their affection onscreen, instead of making you cringe, actually does induce genuine sympathy and understanding.
By the end of it all, you begin to wish that you really had brothers like these who stuck to their convictions, stood by ach other and weathered life's storms. Kudos to the director who managed to get such performances from them. Special mention had to be made of the wives -- they're spot on, and their dialogues are superb.
Where the director could have improved is by getting Suresh Ars to edit out the whole cousins-conflict; it seems superfluous. It's obvious he's been influenced a great deal by Subramaniapuram, Paruthiveeran and others -- practically every scene seems inspired.
If you're a fan of sentimental tear-jerkers shot with a healthy dose of rural life -- this one's your cup of tea.
Strange Times
June 24th, 2009
Strange times, strange thoughts. So much going on for me. Mind being rearranged. Forces I can barely comprehend moving me around. Structures of meaning shown to be fractured and lacking. A night without medication becomes a long journey through ideas and memories. Is it necessary to be angry? Because mostly I am sad.
Strange times, strange thoughts. So much going on for me. Mind being rearranged. Forces I can barely comprehend moving me around. Structures of meaning shown to be fractured and lacking. A night without medication becomes a long journey through ideas and memories. Is it necessary to be angry? Because mostly I am sad.
He Doesn’t Know The Whole Story
June 23rd, 2009
Last night I went to bed thinking about why I avoided speaking to my father for so long. I think another part of the reason that I was hesitant is because he doesn’t know the whole story. He thinks that all of the drama surrounding me is only related to my mental illness. He knows nothing about me. This makes it so much harder to talk to him. I don’t like lying and with out him knowing that I don’t have a choice. My mom told me I should just tell him but I REALLY don’t want to. We’ll see how it plays out.
Before I went to sleep last night I laid on my bed and cried for an hour. I’m not the crying type but lately I can’t help it. I feel like everyday I break in to more and more pieces. I’m falling apart right along side my splintering life. Despite the fact that I have a few amazing people in my life, I feel alone. The most alone I have ever been.
Last night I went to bed thinking about why I avoided speaking to my father for so long. I think another part of the reason that I was hesitant is because he doesn’t know the whole story. He thinks that all of the drama surrounding me is only related to my mental illness. He knows nothing about me. This makes it so much harder to talk to him. I don’t like lying and with out him knowing that I don’t have a choice. My mom told me I should just tell him but I REALLY don’t want to. We’ll see how it plays out.
Before I went to sleep last night I laid on my bed and cried for an hour. I’m not the crying type but lately I can’t help it. I feel like everyday I break in to more and more pieces. I’m falling apart right along side my splintering life. Despite the fact that I have a few amazing people in my life, I feel alone. The most alone I have ever been.
It’s Been Too Long!
June 22nd, 2009
It’s been forever since I have written. I guess I have felt like I shouldn't write about things if they weren’t about Anipra. That’s silly and from here on out, this is not a blog about my struggles with Anipra. She is no longer my struggle and I want this to reflect that. The last few months have been great and they deserve to be remembered for more than the awfulness that preceded them.
Today I don’t have time to write a good entry but I def will start a new sometime on tomorrow!
It’s been forever since I have written. I guess I have felt like I shouldn't write about things if they weren’t about Anipra. That’s silly and from here on out, this is not a blog about my struggles with Anipra. She is no longer my struggle and I want this to reflect that. The last few months have been great and they deserve to be remembered for more than the awfulness that preceded them.
Today I don’t have time to write a good entry but I def will start a new sometime on tomorrow!
My Conclusion
June 21st, 2009
I keep trying to write new posts but it isn’t working out for me. I realize that I don’t really have anything worth writing about. There is nothing actively happening in my life. I’m just quietly waiting for this situation to resolve. I think the conclusion that I have come to is that no matter what she decides to do. There is too much hurt, resentment, and anger. I don’t want to have to carry that around with me. She and I both need a fresh start. We have been together since we were just kids. We have become the adults we are because of each other. As much as I have enjoyed much of our time and growth, I need and want to develop outside of her. Who knows, maybe I’ll like the me with out her better.
I was speaking about this situation today and I realized that part of the reason I hate this situation so much is because I have no control over anything. I have been forced in to a situation where all of my options are terrible. When I really look at the situation I don’t even think that I can logically say that I even have two options. It’s unreasonable to think that speaking with her is even viable. I hate that. Since I was about 29 my life has been all set. I will continue my business, marry Anipra, and get a good life. I was happy with that. It’s really hard and terrifying to think that everything I thought my life was going to be has changed. The basis of EVERYTHING is different. I can’t even express how scary that is. I know that I will be ok eventually and I don’t doubt that I will live a happy life but that doesn’t make this any less scary and terrible right now.
I keep trying to write new posts but it isn’t working out for me. I realize that I don’t really have anything worth writing about. There is nothing actively happening in my life. I’m just quietly waiting for this situation to resolve. I think the conclusion that I have come to is that no matter what she decides to do. There is too much hurt, resentment, and anger. I don’t want to have to carry that around with me. She and I both need a fresh start. We have been together since we were just kids. We have become the adults we are because of each other. As much as I have enjoyed much of our time and growth, I need and want to develop outside of her. Who knows, maybe I’ll like the me with out her better.
I was speaking about this situation today and I realized that part of the reason I hate this situation so much is because I have no control over anything. I have been forced in to a situation where all of my options are terrible. When I really look at the situation I don’t even think that I can logically say that I even have two options. It’s unreasonable to think that speaking with her is even viable. I hate that. Since I was about 29 my life has been all set. I will continue my business, marry Anipra, and get a good life. I was happy with that. It’s really hard and terrifying to think that everything I thought my life was going to be has changed. The basis of EVERYTHING is different. I can’t even express how scary that is. I know that I will be ok eventually and I don’t doubt that I will live a happy life but that doesn’t make this any less scary and terrible right now.
My Weakness Wants Me To Forget The Bad And Remember The Good
June 20th, 2009
The farther removed I get from the whole situation with Anipra, the more I am starting to minimize it. Because nothing insanely painful and dramatic has happened in the last few months, my brains automatic reaction is to forget. Forget all of the hurt. Forget all of the anger. Forget all of the lies.
That’s crazy. There is no excuse for that. I have had 13 years worth of experiences that tell me that idealizing the past is dumb, but it’s so easy to do. It’s so easy for me to focus on the good things. Despite everything, Anipra is the single funniest and smartest person I know and I love that about her. The times we would go to temples, parks and cinemas and she would bring something like interesting books and I would look over and see her reading a 200 page book, but because she was simply interested. Or the time she got me a same type of books (which was the best gift ever). Or the many times we laughed until I had an stomach pain. Those are the things that I can’t get out of my head…. and it hurts. It hurts badly. I miss her so intensely it feels like a physical sensation. I hate it. I know that as time goes on it will get less painful but for now it stinks.
The farther removed I get from the whole situation with Anipra, the more I am starting to minimize it. Because nothing insanely painful and dramatic has happened in the last few months, my brains automatic reaction is to forget. Forget all of the hurt. Forget all of the anger. Forget all of the lies.
That’s crazy. There is no excuse for that. I have had 13 years worth of experiences that tell me that idealizing the past is dumb, but it’s so easy to do. It’s so easy for me to focus on the good things. Despite everything, Anipra is the single funniest and smartest person I know and I love that about her. The times we would go to temples, parks and cinemas and she would bring something like interesting books and I would look over and see her reading a 200 page book, but because she was simply interested. Or the time she got me a same type of books (which was the best gift ever). Or the many times we laughed until I had an stomach pain. Those are the things that I can’t get out of my head…. and it hurts. It hurts badly. I miss her so intensely it feels like a physical sensation. I hate it. I know that as time goes on it will get less painful but for now it stinks.
Single Or Not
June 19th, 2009
A friend asked me a few days ago if I considered myself single or not. I didn’t have an answer. Like I have said many times in the past, the only thing I can do is walk away. There is no other logical option but it’s hard to say “I am no longer with her.” However, lately I have been actually trying to accept that idea. I feel far more single than I ever have in the past. I have started saying that I am single… and it hurts.
I am having a really terrible time right now. Everyday feels worst than the last. I feel helpless,misguided, and out of control. I don’t think I always realize it but I’m angry with everyone’s inability to understand what I am going through. This is absolutely not their fault, but it is still extremely frustrating. If I have to hear one more person say “you deserve so much better” or “you’ll be okay” I’m going to scream. Telling me I deserve better is not helpful in this situation and telling me I will be ok is just plain unnecessary. I have no doubt that whatever happens I will be fine, that does not however make it any easier for me to suffer through this situation. It’s a little terrifying that I am relating to the way I felt before I cut my arm a few months ago. It’s really hard for me to admit that but there it is. It’s humiliating. It’s embarrassing. It’s demoralizing.
A friend asked me a few days ago if I considered myself single or not. I didn’t have an answer. Like I have said many times in the past, the only thing I can do is walk away. There is no other logical option but it’s hard to say “I am no longer with her.” However, lately I have been actually trying to accept that idea. I feel far more single than I ever have in the past. I have started saying that I am single… and it hurts.
I am having a really terrible time right now. Everyday feels worst than the last. I feel helpless,misguided, and out of control. I don’t think I always realize it but I’m angry with everyone’s inability to understand what I am going through. This is absolutely not their fault, but it is still extremely frustrating. If I have to hear one more person say “you deserve so much better” or “you’ll be okay” I’m going to scream. Telling me I deserve better is not helpful in this situation and telling me I will be ok is just plain unnecessary. I have no doubt that whatever happens I will be fine, that does not however make it any easier for me to suffer through this situation. It’s a little terrifying that I am relating to the way I felt before I cut my arm a few months ago. It’s really hard for me to admit that but there it is. It’s humiliating. It’s embarrassing. It’s demoralizing.
To My Family
June 18th, 2009
I have brothers who would do anything for me. Lately I have not been capable of being the most supportive brother and still, they are there, ready to do whatever it takes to help me get through it.
To all of the people in my life who are wonderful, thank you. Thank you for giving exactly what I need at exactly the right time.
And thank you to those of you who read my blog and send me encouragement. It is great to feel heard. I have spent so much of the last 8 years keeping things hidden that it feels amazing to get it out there and have people actually listen and care. So again, Thank
A Letter To Anipra
June 17th, 2009
This is the first letter that I wrote to Anipra on my birthday(15 /6).
Dear Anipra,
Hi baby! I have been thinking for a couple of days about what I’m going to write… and I am still unsure. First of all, I miss you… madly. I wish that you would have written a little more about the program, but I guess there are future letters for that. I’m so glad you eventually decided to go down there. I want you to recover so badly. You have so much to offer the world, and the people around you, when you are clean and healthy.
I guess the next topic is the important one. I couldn’t for a second tell you that I don’t love you… because I do still adore you. I don’t think that is enough right now. I know that you are making an effort to realize the huge effects this has had on my life, and the other people around you, but I don’t know if you can fully grasp what the last year has been like for me. I don’t think you understand the emotional implications of thinking, for months, that last time I talked to you very well could be the last or what it feels like to stay up almost every night. How terrible it is to be 450 miles away. These things, and many others, have left horrible scars on me. I’m a broken person. At this point, I have nothing to give. Not to you. Not to anyone else.
I spent so much of the last few years being your caretaker that I neglected myself. I let myself get to a spot that I don’t ever want to be again and right now I am trying to recover from that. I need to spend this time to heal because I have years worth of healing to do.
Anipra, I love you so much. No matter what happens I want to be involved in your recovery and helping you get well the best I can. I’m sorry, since I know this is bound to make you upset just like it has for me, but you asked me to be as honest as possible. So here it is.
I love you so much.
Sleep
June 16th, 2009
When I don’t get sleep everything feels wrong for the rest of the day. Sleep is often an elusive thing for me. There are many nights that I lay awake and wonder why. Either I am thinking too much or my sleep isn’t deep enough or I am awaken too early by a snore or an alarm. And then there is nothing that I can do about it. That is that. I am up and can’t go back to sleep.
I have found that when I sleep I feel pretty stable, as long as I get around nine hours a night. When I sleep less I get disturbed and when I sleep too long I get depressed, down in the mouth. And if this happens night after night then those moods get worse and worse.
I don’t know the cure. I do know that I take a sleep aid and I work at making sure that I follow a routine and I don’t think that I will ever be able to change the fact that I am a light sleep and always have been. My heavy feather pillow has been the saving grace in it all. I plop it over my exposed ear and I can hardly hear anything. That helps a lot.
So this morning it was the alarm that was snoozed twice and I lay there and kept thinking, “Why don’t you just get up? Or instead, why don’t you set your alarm for later? Either way, quit waking me up when I could still be sleeping.” And so I am awake.
When I don’t get sleep everything feels wrong for the rest of the day. Sleep is often an elusive thing for me. There are many nights that I lay awake and wonder why. Either I am thinking too much or my sleep isn’t deep enough or I am awaken too early by a snore or an alarm. And then there is nothing that I can do about it. That is that. I am up and can’t go back to sleep.
I have found that when I sleep I feel pretty stable, as long as I get around nine hours a night. When I sleep less I get disturbed and when I sleep too long I get depressed, down in the mouth. And if this happens night after night then those moods get worse and worse.
I don’t know the cure. I do know that I take a sleep aid and I work at making sure that I follow a routine and I don’t think that I will ever be able to change the fact that I am a light sleep and always have been. My heavy feather pillow has been the saving grace in it all. I plop it over my exposed ear and I can hardly hear anything. That helps a lot.
So this morning it was the alarm that was snoozed twice and I lay there and kept thinking, “Why don’t you just get up? Or instead, why don’t you set your alarm for later? Either way, quit waking me up when I could still be sleeping.” And so I am awake.
Happy Birthday To Me
June 15th, 2009
Today I am turning over a new leaf - forget the New Years Resolutions - I am going to do Happy Birthday Resolutions. I am stressed out too often about things that really don't matter and I am the one who does it to myself. It is me who must make the change.
1 - Enjoy the day! Be refreshed in my spirit daily - this is what I too often let slide.
* I would like to watch the sunsets every night that I am able.
* I love to have Daily Devotion time, but sometimes I rush through it...slow down
* Everyday exercise for me
2 - Say "no" to too many commitments and say "yes" to loving others
3- I would like to go back to my office, I have about one assignment and I would like to finish it. Then maybe go on to get my business back.
4 - Live in love and light and joy
I have done my daily devotion time and exercised. Today, being Monday I get our home in order which I love to do, , picked up the house, done a cover on my book.
What am I doing the rest of the day.... we like everyone, trying to cut back so we are having a stay at home day. I know it sounds weird but it is quite amazing! Then I hope we can watch a movie and have a nice dinner together.
So Happy Birthday to me
Not Being Anxious
June 14th, 2009
The last few hours have been really wonderful. Anxiety free? No, however I have been in a phase of just being. Not over reacting to stress. Not adding fear to fear. And I must admit it feels great.
I apologize for not updating my blog as much but as I begin to feel better, the less I want to talk about anxiety. And tomorrow is my 29th Birthday. I hope this year will be wonderful as i wish.
The last few hours have been really wonderful. Anxiety free? No, however I have been in a phase of just being. Not over reacting to stress. Not adding fear to fear. And I must admit it feels great.
I apologize for not updating my blog as much but as I begin to feel better, the less I want to talk about anxiety. And tomorrow is my 29th Birthday. I hope this year will be wonderful as i wish.
Speedy recoveries
June 13th, 2009
Too many people recently have expressed confusion over how I can STILL be ill.
“What, you’re still on medication?”
Unfortunately, people, I am. I wish I was well, too. Instead, I’m not.
Everytime someone asks me this, I wonder too why I’m still ill; too lazy, too stuck? Just everything bad about a person is what I am.Why can’t I get better? Aren’t you trying? Are both some other questions I’ve had. It’s horrible. I’m doubting myself enough as it is. I don’t want to be like this anymore, and quite frankly, although I’m all for openness, maybe not so much if people ask such questions. Or maybe they need to be better educated. All they need to know is that I don’t know what the hell my brain’s doing and I am trying thankyouverymuch.
People don’t understand depression isn’t like a physical illness, like a cold which is gone in a week; your ‘depression’ may have lasted 6 months, may have lasted a week. Using ‘ ‘ isn’t meant to take value off what they were experiencing, but I suspect at times that it isn’t really depression. I just want to be ‘well’…
300 th Post
June 12, 2009
Its my 300 th Post
I can hardly believe that it has happened so fast! What wonderful friends I have made. When I started this I would never have imagined what my blog has brought into my life! Thank you for sharing this ride with me.
Thank you to everyone who reads it and touches base with me.
You can wish me by leaving a lovely comment.
I’ve Been Lazy
June 12th, 2009
I had online chat with the psychologist on Thursday and we both agree that I have become a bit lazy. I’ve been laying back just hoping recovery happens rather than taking an active role in my own recovery. I need structure and feedback so I have developed a personal recovery plan and will be tracking my progress. Here is what it looks like:
Problem: I worry too much about my health
Goal: I will worry less
Plan: Schedule 2-10 Minute worry sessions per day. Worry will take place between 9:50-10:00 AM and 10:50-11:00 PM. Nothing but worrying thoughts can be included in worry session.
Problem: Worry has created a tense and on-edge body
Goal: I will return to a relaxed state of wellness
Plan: Schedule 2-10 Minute meditation/relaxation sessions per day. AM/PM
Problem: I have lost faith in the strength of my body
Goal: I will become physically fit
Plan: 15 minutes of cardio (walking, running, etc.) 6 times per week; want to purchase a treadmill till that i will go to gym; weight lifting 3 times per week
Problem: I have lost faith in my bodies ability to heal
Goal: Provide a supple body that will heal itself
Plan: AM/PM Yoga everyday
Problem: Anxiety is created by a fear of passing out/dying in public
Goal: Gradually increase the amount of time I spent away from the house
Plan: Develop a log to track when, where, and for how long I am away from home.
I had online chat with the psychologist on Thursday and we both agree that I have become a bit lazy. I’ve been laying back just hoping recovery happens rather than taking an active role in my own recovery. I need structure and feedback so I have developed a personal recovery plan and will be tracking my progress. Here is what it looks like:
Problem: I worry too much about my health
Goal: I will worry less
Plan: Schedule 2-10 Minute worry sessions per day. Worry will take place between 9:50-10:00 AM and 10:50-11:00 PM. Nothing but worrying thoughts can be included in worry session.
Problem: Worry has created a tense and on-edge body
Goal: I will return to a relaxed state of wellness
Plan: Schedule 2-10 Minute meditation/relaxation sessions per day. AM/PM
Problem: I have lost faith in the strength of my body
Goal: I will become physically fit
Plan: 15 minutes of cardio (walking, running, etc.) 6 times per week; want to purchase a treadmill till that i will go to gym; weight lifting 3 times per week
Problem: I have lost faith in my bodies ability to heal
Goal: Provide a supple body that will heal itself
Plan: AM/PM Yoga everyday
Problem: Anxiety is created by a fear of passing out/dying in public
Goal: Gradually increase the amount of time I spent away from the house
Plan: Develop a log to track when, where, and for how long I am away from home.
Updated Medicine Glossary
June 11th, 2009
Updated glossary of medications I will mention in this blog.
Mornings
Silybon, 140mg 1 (Supportive treatment for liver disease)
DEPAKOTE, 250mg 1 (for the treatment of acute manic or mixed episodes associated with bipolar disorder)
Oleanz plus 1 (Drowsiness, weight gain, increased appetite, dizziness, constipation, dry mouth, raised liver enzymes)
Becozinc 1 cap (B-complex)
Evenings
Silybon, 140mg 1
DEPAKOTE, 250mg 1
Tancodep, 25 mg, 1 (Anixety depression syndrome, neurotic or reactive depression, agitation associated with depression)
Oleanz plus 1
Mirtaz, 15 mg 1 (Drowsiness, dizziness, sleepiness, nausea, dry mouth & Mirtazapine is prescribed for the treatment of major depression. Generic Remeron (Mirtazapine) is thought to work by adjusting the balance of the brain's natural chemical messengers, especially norepinephrine and serotonin)
Updated glossary of medications I will mention in this blog.
Mornings
Silybon, 140mg 1 (Supportive treatment for liver disease)
DEPAKOTE, 250mg 1 (for the treatment of acute manic or mixed episodes associated with bipolar disorder)
Oleanz plus 1 (Drowsiness, weight gain, increased appetite, dizziness, constipation, dry mouth, raised liver enzymes)
Becozinc 1 cap (B-complex)
Evenings
Silybon, 140mg 1
DEPAKOTE, 250mg 1
Tancodep, 25 mg, 1 (Anixety depression syndrome, neurotic or reactive depression, agitation associated with depression)
Oleanz plus 1
Mirtaz, 15 mg 1 (Drowsiness, dizziness, sleepiness, nausea, dry mouth & Mirtazapine is prescribed for the treatment of major depression. Generic Remeron (Mirtazapine) is thought to work by adjusting the balance of the brain's natural chemical messengers, especially norepinephrine and serotonin)
Don’t Hope For Overnight Miracles
June 10th, 2009
For the longest time, and to be honest I still do this to one degree or another, I would go to bed each night hoping and praying that when I awoke in the morning I would magically be changed into the person I want to be, free of anxiety. Obviously this miracle never happened and I believe that this thought process has helped to keep me in the anxiety cycle. The cycle looks a little something like this:
1. Suffer from anxiety all day.
2. Go to bed hoping that during the night I will be healed.
3. Wake up asking how I feel.
4. The first anxiety symptom in the morning confirms I am not healed.
5. Drop deeper into anxiety & depression.
6. Go to bed……
For the longest time, and to be honest I still do this to one degree or another, I would go to bed each night hoping and praying that when I awoke in the morning I would magically be changed into the person I want to be, free of anxiety. Obviously this miracle never happened and I believe that this thought process has helped to keep me in the anxiety cycle. The cycle looks a little something like this:
1. Suffer from anxiety all day.
2. Go to bed hoping that during the night I will be healed.
3. Wake up asking how I feel.
4. The first anxiety symptom in the morning confirms I am not healed.
5. Drop deeper into anxiety & depression.
6. Go to bed……
Cognitive Distortions
June 9th, 2009
The cognitive distortions that seem to be most present in my negative thoughts are:
* Over-generalization: Viewing a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat — “This always happens!”
* All-or-Nothing Thinking: Viewing things in absolute, black and white categories.
* Jumping to Conclusions: The tendency to jump to conclusions not warranted by the facts.
* Discounting the Positive: Insisting that your positive qualities don’t count.
The cognitive distortions that seem to be most present in my negative thoughts are:
* Over-generalization: Viewing a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat — “This always happens!”
* All-or-Nothing Thinking: Viewing things in absolute, black and white categories.
* Jumping to Conclusions: The tendency to jump to conclusions not warranted by the facts.
* Discounting the Positive: Insisting that your positive qualities don’t count.
Good Days & Bad
June 8th, 2009
It seems that when I have those great days where I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, they are so often followed up with days of hopelessness and despair. It is in these moments that the balance of life is so fragile, it would be so easy to just give in and fall. When I am like this my mind tells me “just stay in bed, what do you think you will accomplish today? If I choose A or B, both are wrong and nothing will really ever change.”
Right now I have several things going on that I think add to this sense of hopelessness. In the near future, I will be forced to make several decisions about my future employment. I am also helping a friend deal with a particularly stressful time. And I face the daily battle of making the choice to do or avoid — do I go to my sister Revathi's function or do I stay home?
When the perfect storm of elements come together, I slip into a state of what I call “The Weirdness”. This state can be best described as living in a waking dream state. I’m so focused inward, that the outside world starts to look foreign and surreal. This state scares me. I guess clinically it would be called Depersonalization, although this is not a constant state and I have never been diagnosed as having this disorder.
Back when I would spend the majority of my day searching the Internet for information, I came across a trailer for a movie called Numb that does a great job visualizing what this state of “Weirdness” is like.
It seems that when I have those great days where I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, they are so often followed up with days of hopelessness and despair. It is in these moments that the balance of life is so fragile, it would be so easy to just give in and fall. When I am like this my mind tells me “just stay in bed, what do you think you will accomplish today? If I choose A or B, both are wrong and nothing will really ever change.”
Right now I have several things going on that I think add to this sense of hopelessness. In the near future, I will be forced to make several decisions about my future employment. I am also helping a friend deal with a particularly stressful time. And I face the daily battle of making the choice to do or avoid — do I go to my sister Revathi's function or do I stay home?
When the perfect storm of elements come together, I slip into a state of what I call “The Weirdness”. This state can be best described as living in a waking dream state. I’m so focused inward, that the outside world starts to look foreign and surreal. This state scares me. I guess clinically it would be called Depersonalization, although this is not a constant state and I have never been diagnosed as having this disorder.
Back when I would spend the majority of my day searching the Internet for information, I came across a trailer for a movie called Numb that does a great job visualizing what this state of “Weirdness” is like.
From The Inside Looking In
June 7th, 2009
I like to believe that I am making progress, that I am getting better, that I am recovering from this illness. However at times, I find it very hard to believe. I like to think that I’m getting better but maybe I am just fooling myself, telling myself what I want to hear, what I want to believe. It’s so hard to see the progress I’ve made as I’m so caught up with being inside myself, always examining myself.
Perhaps I am fooling myself, perhaps I am telling myself what I want to believe but maybe that is ok, for without hope, what do we have?
I like to believe that I am making progress, that I am getting better, that I am recovering from this illness. However at times, I find it very hard to believe. I like to think that I’m getting better but maybe I am just fooling myself, telling myself what I want to hear, what I want to believe. It’s so hard to see the progress I’ve made as I’m so caught up with being inside myself, always examining myself.
Perhaps I am fooling myself, perhaps I am telling myself what I want to believe but maybe that is ok, for without hope, what do we have?
You Can’t Shut Off the World
June 6th, 2009
I have concluded that if I could shut off the outside world 50% of my problems would be solved, the other 50% would be solved if I could shut off the world inside my mind but then what am I left with, nothing more than the thing I fear the most.
My mind is very susceptible to outside stimuli, I can’t shut it off, I can take steps to avoid particularly bad influences on me but I can’t shut out everything, so part of recovery must be retraining my mind how to respond to outside stimuli.
I have concluded that if I could shut off the outside world 50% of my problems would be solved, the other 50% would be solved if I could shut off the world inside my mind but then what am I left with, nothing more than the thing I fear the most.
My mind is very susceptible to outside stimuli, I can’t shut it off, I can take steps to avoid particularly bad influences on me but I can’t shut out everything, so part of recovery must be retraining my mind how to respond to outside stimuli.
Negative Reinforcement
June 5th, 2009
Yesterday, if is wasn’t already totally apparent, it was pointed out to me that my thoughts are constantly negative and that these negative thoughts can make me physically ill in a mater of minutes, sometimes even seconds. Rather than always focusing on the negative I was told:
* My illness is real
* Be happy
* Be healthy
* Be strong
* Be positive
* Be grateful
It was kind of like a slap in the face, one I needed to snap me out of it. So I thought, I’m going to put a heavy rubber band on my wrist and every time an unhealthy thought pops into my head, I’m going to snap that rubber band, snap it hard enough to leave a mark on my skin. So thats what I did. Last night as a negative thought entered my head, I would snap the rubber band and quickly snap my mind out of that track and rephrase my negative thought. I know its only short term but I feel great, it was so wonderful to have the chance to rest for just a brief moment and as one of my friends told me “that’s how it can be long term though, you moved yourself out of it, that’s what being present is.”
An example of how this works. Last night, as I was dragging myself around the house, the thought popped into my mind “why are you so tired?”. I snapped the rubber band hard, making my eyes water and I said to myself “why are you so tired? well, you got up early, had your breakfast, had your lunch, worked out all day, had dinner and went to bed, is it any wonder you are a bit tired? Go relax.” So I did.
Think Healthy.
Yesterday, if is wasn’t already totally apparent, it was pointed out to me that my thoughts are constantly negative and that these negative thoughts can make me physically ill in a mater of minutes, sometimes even seconds. Rather than always focusing on the negative I was told:
* My illness is real
* Be happy
* Be healthy
* Be strong
* Be positive
* Be grateful
It was kind of like a slap in the face, one I needed to snap me out of it. So I thought, I’m going to put a heavy rubber band on my wrist and every time an unhealthy thought pops into my head, I’m going to snap that rubber band, snap it hard enough to leave a mark on my skin. So thats what I did. Last night as a negative thought entered my head, I would snap the rubber band and quickly snap my mind out of that track and rephrase my negative thought. I know its only short term but I feel great, it was so wonderful to have the chance to rest for just a brief moment and as one of my friends told me “that’s how it can be long term though, you moved yourself out of it, that’s what being present is.”
An example of how this works. Last night, as I was dragging myself around the house, the thought popped into my mind “why are you so tired?”. I snapped the rubber band hard, making my eyes water and I said to myself “why are you so tired? well, you got up early, had your breakfast, had your lunch, worked out all day, had dinner and went to bed, is it any wonder you are a bit tired? Go relax.” So I did.
Think Healthy.
What I Talk About
Today I meet with my psychologist and I told him that after reading back through my journal, the word “Accept” seemed to come up the most. I decided to do a word cloud of the most popular words found in my posts, looks like I was way off, its ANXIETY….imagine that :)
Exercising Body & Mind
June 3rd, 2009
Call it anxiety. Call it chronic stress. Name it whatever you wish but what we are all dealing with is a break down of body & mind. A vicious, self-perpetuating cycle of body reacting to mind and mind reacting to body. To heal, we must give proper attention to both body and mind.
* Running daily. Goal 5 kms a day. Current 2 kms.
* Daily yoga to improve balance, coordination, and breathing while reducing muscle tension
and increasing awareness.
* Less Computer and more reading.
* Daily 20 minute meditation.
A reminder to myself. Lasting and life transforming change takes time. Change will come in small doses, don’t wake up thinking that over night big changes will occur. Keep the focus and know that in time, positive change will continue to come.
Two Minute Review : Mulum Malarum
June 3rd, 2009
When Rajinikanth’s character Kali tells the engineer (Sarat Babu), Rendu kai, rendu kaal ponakuda, kali angarava polachikava, sir. Ketta payan sir, avan, we empathize with Kali as we never have with any of Rajini’s other characters with the exception perhaps of the writer in Aarilinthu aravathu varai.
The stars were all perfectly aligned in Mullum Malarum - stellar performances by Rajini and Shoba ably supported by Fatafut Jayalakshmi and somewhat by Sarat Babu (a bit stiff though), a moving story, solid screenplay, fabulous songs and an able hand at the rudder contributed to the movie’s phenomenal success.
More than Rajini, more than Shoba, more than Fatafut Jayalakshmi and more than Illayaraja, Mullum Malarum director J.Mahendran deserves kudos for crafting such a beautiful movie.
Set in a small village in the Annamalai Hills, the story revolves around a gruff character Kali (Rajinikanth), working as a winch operator in the area, and his sister Vali (Shoba).
Two events herald changes in the placid lives of the brother and sister, but more so in the case of Kali - the arrival of a new engineer (Sarat Babu), who also happens to be Kali’s boss; and the arrival of an old lady and her feisty and gluttonous daughter Manga (Fatafut Jayalakshmi).
While Jayalakshmi was a prettier lass, Shoba was a far superior actress and threw in a non pareil performance (by Tamil movie standards). Among the youngsters, Sandhya of dailamo, dailamo fame reminds us of Shoba.
Another interesting feature of Mullum Malarum is that romance does not hog the screen-time. Love or romance is but one element of the myriad facets of life, not the raison d’être as the brainless twits of Bollywood and Kollywood would make it seem. There’s ego, there’s greed, there’s anger, there’s frustration, there’s revenge, there’s envy and so many other human emotions that never get adequate play in Bollywood and Kollywood movies because love leaves no room for anything else.
Mullum Malarum dares to be different. Anger, more than love, is the leitmotif of this charmer. What a relief that love plays second fiddle to other emotions, for once.
Music is another highlight of Mullum Malaram.
Who having heard it once can ever forget the maestro Illayaraja’s hauntingly beautiful music for songs like Senthaazham Poovil, Adi Pennae or Niththam Niththam Nellu.
Dear Anxiety
June 2nd, 2009
Dear Anxiety,I’m terribly sorry I had to do this through a letter, this will make us both a lot better off, well me at least. Listen, it’s not you, it’s me. I just am incapable of loving you anymore and I think this is best, for both of us. This note will be the last memory you’ll ever have of me, I’m bouncing and not looking back. Don’t let it get you all upset inside, I always liked your friends Hope and Optimism more. It is because of your history of poor advice and lack of concern for anyone but yourself that kept me from being even remotely interested in continuing this relationship with you.
You’d be much better off finding a person that can deal with the annoying way you never stopped talking about all the drama in your life and how things would be so much better if we just became hermits together. I might miss certain things about you such as your ability to make me see what is really important in life — it surly isn’t money or a job or clothes.
I’m glad this is done and we’re going separate directions for good. I think you’ll find someone who can console with you, who will be willing to be always down in the dumps, and someone who thinks your dark ways are charming but sorry baby, that just isn’t me.
I hope things work out for you but please don’t write or call, I have no interest in seeing or hearing from you anymore. And I’m sorry if i ruined your life, Anxiety, because that is exactly what I set out to do!
Good riddance,
Prabhu
Pushing It Too Hard?
June 1st, 2009
I don’t know if I pushed it too hard yesterday or not but today I have more free floating anxiety than normal. It just feels like it is going to be a rough day. I’m struggling to be able to think positively. I know that if I could just shift my state of mind, today would be fine but I just have this fear that I won’t be able to stop the negative thoughts today.
Even after all of these experiences I have gone through, I am still amazed at how powerful thoughts are. Simple thoughts can make me feel like I am on the verge of dying or make me feel like I am unstoppable. How can one minute I be in bed, unable to move, thinking I’m dying, and the next be riding my bike 5 miles?
I need to find a support person today to help me stay positive, today can either be really productive or can be the start of a set back.
I don’t know if I pushed it too hard yesterday or not but today I have more free floating anxiety than normal. It just feels like it is going to be a rough day. I’m struggling to be able to think positively. I know that if I could just shift my state of mind, today would be fine but I just have this fear that I won’t be able to stop the negative thoughts today.
Even after all of these experiences I have gone through, I am still amazed at how powerful thoughts are. Simple thoughts can make me feel like I am on the verge of dying or make me feel like I am unstoppable. How can one minute I be in bed, unable to move, thinking I’m dying, and the next be riding my bike 5 miles?
I need to find a support person today to help me stay positive, today can either be really productive or can be the start of a set back.
Two Minute Review : Pasanga
May 31st, 2009
Cast: Vega, Vimal, Jeeva
Music: James Vasanthan
One can’t recall whether any film having a bunch of ‘children’ as the protagonists has released in the recent memory of Tamil films. Usually, the characters of children in Tamil films always speak more than their age; it has almost become a general norm in Tamil films that the children’s speeches belie their actual age.‘Pasanga’ breaks this artificial depiction and has shown the children as they are. The film is certain to rekindle in all the adults their school-day memories. ‘Pasanga’ isn’t meant only for children, it actually makes very good viewing for adults.
The story revolves around the trio of friends in Jeeva, Pakkoda and Kuttimani full of mischief and studying in a small town school. A new student, Anbukkarasu, is liked by both the fellow students and the teachers as well. Jeeva, the hitherto hero of the school, develops hatred towards Anbukkarasu. Things turn bad when the hatred spills over to their respective families.
Anbu’s Uncle and Jeeva’s sister fall in love with each other, paving way for the cessation of enmity between the families. Even the marriage doesn’t break the ice between Anbu and Jeeva. Whether or not did they become friends again is what the rest of the story is all about.
Jeeva, who played the young Jeeva in the film ‘Katradhu Tamizh’, plays the major role here and has emoted well, especially with his expressive eyes that spew hatred in a realistic manner. The boy playing Anbu too has done an excellent job. Pakkoda and Kuttimani have done their parts admirably. The director has made all the children act in a casual manner without them being camera-conscious. Vega, who appeared ultra-glamourously in ‘Saroja’, appears in homely costumes and has put in a good performance. Vimal, Vega’s lover has a boy-next-door look and emotes aptly.
The first half is full of the typical mischievous dramas indulged in by over-enthusiastic school students. The subtle humour that runs throughout the entire length of the film ensures that the viewers don’t get bored. Only when the school boy feels for his inability to take part in the cycle race for want of a cycle does his father think about his own life in a serious manner. The story writer has brought out to the fore in an excellent manner how the ‘differences’ between parents play major roles in the growth and the overall development of their own children.
Dr. Balamuralikrishna’s song in the music of James Vasanthan leaves you asking for more. The picturisation only adds to the mood of the song. Cinematography and editing are quite good.
Debutant director Pandiraj deserves kudos for not compromising with the screenplay and dishing out an enjoyable fare.
Why Is It So Hard?
May 30th, 2009
Things are really starting to become clear to me, yet recovery still eludes me. Why is it so hard? I know the answer, I don’t think I know, I KNOW the answer on how to recover yet it doesn’t make recovery any easier.
I know that negative thoughts make me feel worse. Make me feel physically ill. Yet I can’t stop. I guess I should start doing my CBT exercises again. I am getting better at it but I tend to look at it in black & white terms. My doctor on the other hand takes a different view of it. He always says things like “well, these bad thoughts used to come every minute and now they come every 5 minutes, thats progress.” Which he is right, it is a progression but to my mind its either there or not, its hard for me to appreciate the progress I’ve made towards recovery.
Things are really starting to become clear to me, yet recovery still eludes me. Why is it so hard? I know the answer, I don’t think I know, I KNOW the answer on how to recover yet it doesn’t make recovery any easier.
I know that negative thoughts make me feel worse. Make me feel physically ill. Yet I can’t stop. I guess I should start doing my CBT exercises again. I am getting better at it but I tend to look at it in black & white terms. My doctor on the other hand takes a different view of it. He always says things like “well, these bad thoughts used to come every minute and now they come every 5 minutes, thats progress.” Which he is right, it is a progression but to my mind its either there or not, its hard for me to appreciate the progress I’ve made towards recovery.
The Clouds Leave & The Rain Falls
May 29th, 2009
Walking around life with anxiety, for me anyway, is a lot like having your head stuffed full of cotton, you feet in quick sand and every where else the thickest fog you have ever seen.
As I have progressed through therapy the symptoms of anxiety have begin to lessen, slowly, month by month. Within the past couple of weeks I have felt the clouds of anxiety fall away. I no longer felt like I was walking around in quicksand. My head was clear. The world around me came into focus and was beautiful.
I should be happy right?
Well yes, and I am happy but I’m also finding out that I’m angry, I’m upset, I’m emotional all the time. As I see what the world has to offer, I’m bitter about all the time I have lost to this incident. I cry inside at the sight of a billboard, a commercial, or a song on the radio. Simple things jog memories of time gone by.
The weirdness is lifting and raw emotions are left open for the world to see. I hope my friends and family can put up with me during this phase of my recovery because the other side of the mountain looks so amazing from here.
Walking around life with anxiety, for me anyway, is a lot like having your head stuffed full of cotton, you feet in quick sand and every where else the thickest fog you have ever seen.
As I have progressed through therapy the symptoms of anxiety have begin to lessen, slowly, month by month. Within the past couple of weeks I have felt the clouds of anxiety fall away. I no longer felt like I was walking around in quicksand. My head was clear. The world around me came into focus and was beautiful.
I should be happy right?
Well yes, and I am happy but I’m also finding out that I’m angry, I’m upset, I’m emotional all the time. As I see what the world has to offer, I’m bitter about all the time I have lost to this incident. I cry inside at the sight of a billboard, a commercial, or a song on the radio. Simple things jog memories of time gone by.
The weirdness is lifting and raw emotions are left open for the world to see. I hope my friends and family can put up with me during this phase of my recovery because the other side of the mountain looks so amazing from here.
Nervous As Hell
May 28th, 2009
I was feeling really good yesterday so I really pushed myself. I went grocery shopping, I worked in the yard, I went for a bike ride. However today, my body seems a bit upset with me. Couple that with lunch today with family and I am nervous as hell.I just don’t know how to deal with the anticipation, I want it to be over with NOW!
I was feeling really good yesterday so I really pushed myself. I went grocery shopping, I worked in the yard, I went for a bike ride. However today, my body seems a bit upset with me. Couple that with lunch today with family and I am nervous as hell.I just don’t know how to deal with the anticipation, I want it to be over with NOW!
Going To The Gym
May 27th, 2009
So today marked my first day going to the gym officially. Let’s see if this can help on that Biggest Loser contest…
So the clock (well, cell phone clock) struck 5:00 this morning and started to ring and wake me up, and I stumbled up and out of bed, shambling around the room like a drunken lunatic trying to get ready and be at the gym when it opened at 6:00. After finding the bag that would actually fit everything I thought I would need into it, I set off for my first day at the gym.
The ride was pretty uneventful, time in Pollachi gave me enough of a lesson on how to move with the cars so you don’t go flying head over heels when the things come to a stop. I made it to the gym in time (it’s on the third floor of a residencial apartment about a half mile from my home), got things taken care of, and went to work trying to not lose the contest we’d set up; it was all right for a first day, I didn’t do anything to embarass myself and I managed well enough without speaking much in tamil, so I enjoyed it. After a quick shower and shave, I had my breakfast.
A Bad Few Days
May 26th, 2009
I’ve been overly stressed the last few days, I’m wondering if it is the pressure of the holiday season. My anxiety has been very high and I’ve been bad. I ran to Dr. Google to diagnose whatever it is I’m suffering from. So frustrating.
How To Accept
May 25th, 2009
At this point, I’d say that 80% of the physical symptoms of my disorder have all but vanished. I should be excited, right? Well, I think so too, yet my mind fixates on that last 20%. I could go a whole day and only feel one physical symptom, yet my mind will grasp onto that symptom like it is the last piece of bread on earth. As I thought about why, it started to make sense, I still have not fully accepted my diagnosis. So everytime I feel something physical in my body, my brain kicks into over drive. Rather than say “oh, ok that is a common reaction to anxiety and stress, I’ll note it and move it” oh no, my internal dialog is more like “what the hell was that? I thought I was getting better. This is a sure sign that sometime horrible has gone wrong. Is it a brain tumor? Is it a headache this time? What is this? Do I call the doctor? What do I do?” and of course everything falls apart at that point.
Can anyone give me some advice on how I can accept my diagnosis? I would greatly appreciate it. I think until I can accept, I will be destined to fail.
Changing Behavior
May 24th, 2009
I came across some interesting information on changing behavior and brain chemistry.
You need 3-6 weeks of consistent action to begin to see some real noticeable results in your behavior changes. However, the brain seeks to return to the old baseline for about 3-6 months. So when you do not follow through with your changed behavior the brain will gravitate back to the original unbalanced baseline.
It takes 6-12 months of compliance with the new behavior to affect the enzymatic changes that change the brain chemistry baseline. When the baseline brain chemistry changes you are less subject to day to day drastic swings. The new behaviors that keep an optimal brain chemistry for you then become part of what you naturally do.
Favorably
May 23rd, 2009
Relaxing outside with a friend recently, I got a word to think on. My friend remarked, “How fortuitous your life events have been.” With extreme puzzlement, I responded, with the predictable “what?”
I don’t consider myself a person who is filled with opportunity. I learned in early adulthood that if I needed something to happen, I was going to have to work hard. Equally, I learned that oftentimes hard work is not enough. My thinking evolved from early experiences. My life has consisted of much loss, trauma, and victimization.
And that is without the diagnosis of bipolar riding along. Fortuity would not be how I would define my life events. I asked my friend to give reason to his offerring. He said, “You don’t get to choose the things that happen to you, they choose you. The past now years ago (and healed through years of therapy) have positioned you to be the person you are. Equally, the current distress you undergo, places you in your path for the future.”
Maybe, my life is becoming more aggreable. Not because one excellent thing after another is happening. I have found peace with the past, acceptance of the now, and hope for my future. The look of all, is a bit shabby. I just work hard at it. As I perfect my abilities, more favor comes.
Kanthasamy
May 22nd, 2009
Kanthasamy may be good but the trailer sucks ! And the audio release function that was live broadcasted on Sun TV was a mass jalra event just like any other kollywood function. Wonder why Rahman was even sitting there the whole time.
I suspect the whole effort just because of the way Dhanu promotes his movies and then turns back on his heroes if the movie sucks in box-office. Susi and Vikram are betting big time on this movie but I have my own doubt. The premise of the movie that talks about a super-hero is all fine but I’m not sure how it would be executed on-screen. Let’s wait for the movie but meanwhile, I’m going to quit watching every single kollywood event like this.
Few Doubts !
May 21st, 2009
How the concepts of clockwise and anticlockwise will be taught when all analogue clocks have been replaced with digital ones ?
As most of the time the cheques are issued to account holders, why not have A/C payee as a default option on all the cheques? If some one is using it the other way then he can strike it out. Writing out a cheque will then become a bit simple.
I wonder how do the tongue and teet synchronize their movements? What kind of feed back mechanism exist between them, so that teeth don’t step on the fleshy tongue ? This I am thinking after I bit my tongue Ouch….
Two Minute Review : Rashomon - Three men and some truth
May 20th, 2009
The moment anything is reported or written, truth suffers. This is one of the most fundamental points in reporting news. The eye witness narrative is the most sought out at such times. At all possibility, the eye witness brings his perspective of the news. The moment a perspective is brought in, subjectivity creeps in. He selects which part of the news has to be told, which part of the news he remembers, which part he forgets and which part he compels himself to hide. Thus selection of the scene from eye witness becomes inevitable. Finally, the truth suffers. So what happens when truth suffers?
I copy pasted the above paragraph from Virumandi movie review without any changed. And that suits Akira Kurosawa’s Rashomon. Rather it’s the other way. But blame it on me watching Rashomon only now. Rashomon can be celebrated as one of the best all-time movies. I would personally say it’s the most simplest movie ever taken. With the story, screenplay, camera, sets, costumes and all being so simple, the movie was terrific. It was a quaintly gripping. Rashomon is certainly a tour-de-france in it’s own way. For a B &W movie, it had elements of international cinema which could be referenced and debated even now.
Rashmon, a place of workship which was once a building of faith is in shambles. Three men discuss on a extra-ordinary event which two of them witnessed. Eachone has a version of the story. Where the heck is truth. It’s said that the story of Rashomon was built from a shortstory called, In the Grove by Ryunosuke Akutagawa. But it was Kurosawa’s dealing with it made it a evergreen classic. Even in such a negative thread that runs throughout the movie it’s Kurosawa’s brilliance that made all them seem positive at the end. The last scene where the wood cutter walks with
the newborn talks volumes about the gist of the movie. The woodcutter with his heads raised, walks away from Rashomon, carrying the kid in his hand and the sun shining behind him. Metaphorically, the promise for a better future lies only with such altruistic random acts of people, at times of emergency. Class act !!.
I am not sure if the building Rashomon was an erected set or not but it was completely realistic and the rain was perfect. It brought in the required tension without any 360 degree panned jimmy-jip angles. The chasing scenes had some amazing shots with the camera rushing down a bushy slope. Something I got to see for the first time only in Mani Ratnam’s Pagal Nilavu song. Akira Kurosawa must have been an expert even before he shot Rashomon to have such clarity in the scene sequencing techniques. The protagonist Toshirô Mifune as Tajomoru just walked with best actor award.
For those who haven’t seen, watch it without expectations. You can be positive that you will be rewarded in the end.
Alive
May 19th, 2009
Alive and managing through Tancodep to stave off being admitted/mania
More to follow
Prabakaran Shot dead
May 18th, 2009
TAMIL Tiger leader Velu-pillai Prabhakaran has been killed as he tried to flee, the Sri Lankan army said today.
They said DNA tests were being done to confirm the identity of his badly burned body.
Two of his commanders died alongside him when their vehicle was ambushed as they tried to escape government troops who had cornered them.
Earlier, at least three senior rebel leaders were killed, including Prabhakaran's eldest son, Charles Anthony, the military said.
State TV broadcast images of what it said was Charles Anthony's body and news of his father's death was sent to mobile phones across Sri Lanka by the information ministry.
There are unanswered questions & doubts on his encounter
Prabakaran was killed today ?
How was DNA results available so quickly if he shot dead today ?
Did his body was found near Nandhi kadal langoon ?
How exactly Prabakaran was killed ?
Why did a man so hunted carry an ID on him ?
Is this double, LTTE chief had many like sadam ?
How Prabakaran tried to break the army ?
Was Prabakaran died when army found him ?
Was Prabakaran killed in 2 hrs gun battle ?
Any how its a great sad day for Tamils all over in the world. Let us salute the
Brave Leader Mr. Velupillai Prabakaran
A Sinhalese speaks out against the genocide of Tamils
May 17th, 2009
Here is a write-up that I found on a Sinhala fundamentalist site: http://sinhale.wordpress.com/2009/04/12/oprah-winfrey-say-no-to-tamil-tiger-terrorists-online-petition/
Bernard Jayathilake :
Bernard just wrote to us all saying “US White House is taking a vote for Sri Lanka for ceasefire. Pls dial 001 202 456 1414 and say………… No to ceasefire in Sri Lanka. Pls stay till one answers you.”
That is right lets not have a ceasefire because….
We are only 158th on the list of worst media rights offender…we still have seven more to work on…so lets not let Human Right prevail yet.
We have been listed in the top 8 of the genocide watch list but we are not yet the first ….we need more time to get there…so lets not have a ceasefire yet.
We have chased out 1.5 million Tamils out of Sri Lanka but there is another 2 million…so ceasefire yet.
We have only killed 100,000 Tamils….we still have work to do…so no ceasefire yet.
We have made only 40,000 Tamil women widows…we need more time to finish the ones left…so no ceasefire yet.
We have empty cells in our police stations and Tamils are still roaming the streets of Colombo…so no ceasefire yet.
We haven’t put enough people in concentration camps yet.
We have vans still looking for people to disappear.
Our guns still have bullets and we need more tamils to finish it off.
We haven’t killed enough Tamils yet. And therefore no ceasefire yet.
We have rid ourselves of Lasantha, Sivaram, and host of other thorns but we still have more to finish so lets not have peace yet..
We have gotten rid of five Tamil MPs but we still have 22 …so lets not have a ceasefire.
We have managed to kill only 65 humanitarian workers in the last few years…and you and I know there are more of those where they come from…!
So lets not have ceasefire.
We still have poor sons and daughters of the south with no jobs….
We still have to eak our living by selling our sons to paedophiles…
We still have to send our women to middle east to wash and clean to put food on our tables…
And we need our people to not know all this…for that we need to have the war on…so lets not have ceasefire.
We have signed off an Hambantota, Mannar, Trinco and KKS but we still have Colombo…so no ceasefire yet,
We have begged for money from all countries but we haven’t approached Somalia yet,
Our country has one week of reserve money still….so lets not have a ceasefire yet,
Lets not have a ceasefire until every single Tamil is wiped off the face of Sri Lanka…
Lets not have a ceasefire until we have bankrupted our country…
Lets not have a ceasefire until every one in the world knows who we are for what we have done.
Let us continue with the slaughter…
Let us continue with the genocide…
Let us continue to make this world a living hell!
Because we are chosen sons and daughters of Buddha.
Let us continue…
Let us make our Gotabaya’s words a reality…
“Let our soldiers feast on Tamil women while the Tamil men’s blood drip into the ocean and make it red”.
Let us make war…Let us kill more Tamils…Let us rid the world of another race…
So please make the call to the Whitehouse and let them know that our guns won’t be silenced until the last tamil falls.
Afterall we are the followers of Buddha dhamma.
Thank you,
Abay
Bipolar Success
May 16th, 2009
I have been thinking about what successful victims of chronic depressive disorder do. From my experience, my therapist and psychiatrists’ input, group therapy, and of course fellow bloggers, I have compiled a list.
We take our medication as prescribed and follow our psychs plan for us diligently.
Are we victims? Yes, maybe, however, can we see our illness as the means to understand ourselves? As Kay Redfield Jamison (An Unquiet Mind, Vintage Books) writes:
“I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness . . . I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved. . . . Laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters…” We can pray for acceptance and even further to embrace our disease as a means to bring about a more passionate life.
As persons with chronic depressive disorder , we seek out those who can help us and rid ourselves from those that do us harm.
We go easy on ourselves. The smallest accomplishment is a great victory.
Journaling is our redemption. We cleanse ourselves of toxins and use our own words for healing and hope.
We read. Anything we can get our hands on that might help us with our journey.
Our support system is strong. It is our lifeline. When we are desperate, depressed, and devastated, we call upon others for strength.
We advocate for ourselves and others. I believe this is what makes us feel strong. Letting go of what we can’t change and picking up the things we can (and working those things with all our might) gives us purpose.
I hope and pray for success in the journey. For all of us.~
Quick Update
May 14th, 2009
Today I am going to Chennai to recive my Perima & Peripa from Sanfrancisco after four and half months Iam going to see them. So I am little more nervous and busy too. Bye! see you tomorrow.
One Day Down
May 13th, 2009
Help or “Bipolar Can vs Bipolar Will”
May 12th, 2009
Hello.
This is mainly for any of you who read a post after doing a search and landing here then being good enough to hit front page and read a little more. That’s right you with your hand on the mouse.
You have now read part of a bipolar recovery blog. If you read more you only get some of my story, though quite honest this blog as well all others, journals too, are self-censoring, and really you need to hear lots of stories because there is a difference between what bipolar can do and what bipolar can’t do that isn’t obvious if you just read one post.
See I have been reading Bipolar Disorder the Ultimate Guide and my “journey” * with bipolar can only be half pieced together by what the vox pop quotes relate. So what bipolar has done and will do to me, is significantly different from what it could do to anyone else.
I hope, dear readers, you are all collectively going “duh!” It feels a little self-congratulatory to be offering advice on what sites and books to read but if you trust my judgement at all go here: help this is just a page of links and a little blurb about the sites.
Thanks for reading.
Two Minute Review : Balachander’s Nizhal Nijamakirathu
May 11th, 2009
Watching K Balachander’s Nizhal Nijamakirathu, few things cleared up. One - this is one of those movies that truly exploited Kamal’s bharathanatyam talent. Two - We probably miss natural talents like Hanumanthu and Mouli in Kollywood, these days. Three - Other than the dancing part, Kamal smokes in every damn scene.
Offlate, I’ve been watching KB movies in a row. It all started with Jaathi Malli. I have questions on why Balachander directed the movie in the first place.. The movie sucked in very other aspect except for the interesting MadanBob /Dhamu sequences and Maragadamani’s music. Then it was Kamal’s Manmadaleelai, which was a mediocre effort by KB and Kamal, keeping in mind the classy films they were delivering at that time.
The storyline seems cliched now but in yesteryears it must have been a decently interesting one. More than the rape you-marry you story, it was the cast ensemble that elevated the pleasure of watching this flick. It had Kamal as a smoking communist with intelligent dialogues just like Sujatha’s protagonist. Sarathbabu playing as usual, the sucker friend. Sumitra as the feminist and the classy Shoba playing her debut as a rich-dreams-poor-girl. These four characters alongwith Hanumanthu, Mouli and Oru veral Krishnarao make the entire movie cast. Its truly KB’s talent to blend these characters in a fashion that makes the movie interesting.
Hanumanthu is a gem of an actor. Natural talent. Not a single shot he seemed to ‘act’. The expression, body language and dialogue delivery was just perfect. I’ve seen him in other Mouli ’s films but this was probably his finest performance. I’ve heard people talk about him but I’m not sure he was regarded as a classy actor in his time.
Though the entire film looks just like a stage drama, it was fun to watch Kamal play a semi-baddy. Kamal’s characterisation reminded me of Prashant ‘reverse-talking’ role in Agathiyan’s Kaathal Kavithai. If you could grab you hands on the video, you are certainly not wasting your time.
Chennai Super Kings website
May 10th, 2009
| Team | Match | Won | Lost | Tied | N/R | Points | Net RR | ||
| Chennai Super Kings | 10 | 6 | 3 | 0 | 1 | 13 | +1.22 | ||
| Delhi Daredevils | 8 | 6 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 12 | +0.20 | ||
| Rajasthan Royals | 10 | 5 | 4 | 0 | 1 | 11 | -0.11 | ||
| Deccan Chargers | 9 | 5 | 4 | 0 | 0 | 10 | +0.12 | ||
| Punjab Kings | 10 | 5 | 5 | 0 | 0 | 10 | -0.45 | ||
| Royal Challengers | 9 | 4 | 5 | 0 | 0 | 8 | -0.40 | ||
| Mumbai Indians | 9 | 3 | 5 | 0 | 1 | 7 | +0.39 | ||
| Kolkata Knight Riders | 9 | 1 | 7 | 0 | 1 | 3 | -1.10 | ||
Chennai Super Kings website is up and well designed.
The players listing page has some bad mugshots of the players and takes the spirit away. Hope someone is working on them.
They also have a bad logo and it just exactly like cement company brand.
Thanks to Abhi for the site info.
CHE’s Farewell Letter To Fidel Castro
May 9th, 2009
CHE’S FAREWELL LETTER TO FIDEL CASTRO
March, 1965
Havana
Fidel:
At this moment I remember many things — when I met you in Marfa Antonia’s house, when you suggested my coming, all the tensions involved in the preparations.
One day they asked who should be notified in case of death, and the real possibility of that fact affected us all. Later we knew that it was true, that in revolution one wins or dies (if it is a real one). Many comrades fell along the way to victory.
Today everything is less dramatic, because we are more mature. But the fact is repeated. I feel that I have fulfilled the part of my duty that tied me to the Cuban Revolution in its territory, and I say good-bye to you, the comrades, your people, who are already mine.
I formally renounce my positions in the national leadership of the party, my post as minister, my rank of major, and my Cuban citizenship. Nothing legal binds me to Cuba. The only ties are of another nature — those which cannot be broken as appointments can.
Recalling my past life, I believe I have worked with sufficient honor and dedication to consolidate the revolutionary triumph. My only serious failing was not having confided more in you from the first moments in the Sierra Maestra, and not having understood quickly enough your qualities as a leader and a revolutionary.
I have lived magnificent days, and I felt at your side the pride of belonging to our people in the brilliant yet sad days of the Caribbean crisis.
Seldom has a statesman been more brilliant than you in those days. I am also proud of having followed you without hesitation, identified with your way of thinking and of seeing and appraising dangers and principles. Other nations of the world call for my modest efforts. I can do that which is denied you because of your responsibility as the head of Cuba, and the time has come for us to part.
I want it known that I do it with mixed feelings of joy and sorrow: I leave here the purest of my hopes as a builder, and the dearest of those I love. And I leave a people who received me as a son. That wounds me deeply. I carry to new battlefronts the faith that you taught me, the revolutionary spirit of my people, the feeling of fulfilling the most sacred of duties: to fight against imperialism wherever it may be. This comforts and heals the deepest wounds.
I state once more that I free Cuba from any responsibility, except that which stems from its example. If my final hour finds me under other skies, my last thought will be of this people and especially of you. I am thank- ful for your teaching, your example, and I will try to be faithful to the final consequences of my acts.
I have always been identified with the foreign policy of our revolution, and I will continue to be. Wherever I am, I will feel the responsibility ofbeing a Cuban revolutionary, and as such I shall behave. I am not sorry that I leave my children and my wife nothing material. I am happy it is that way. I ask nothing for them, as I know the state will provide enough for their expenses and education.
I would like to say much to you and to our people, but I feel it is not necessary. Words cannot express what I would want them to, and I don’t think it’s worth while to banter phrases.
Hasta la victoria siempre. ¡Patria o Muerte!
I embrace you with all my revolutionary fervor.
Che
Pollachi
May 8th, 2009
So, I’m in Pollachi now, complete with net and as many plates and pans as you could poke a stick with, but something’s still wrong. I just feel incomplete here, maybe it’s not really knowing anyone deep enough yet or what but I’m not being me, I’m just putting on a facade, and it’s cracking, and we’re only on day 8!
This is my accommodation, for all those who are interested:
It’s started to rain, but normally it’s a bit brighter!
It’s a bit bigger than the photo, about another metre or so, but I’m pleasantly surprised! If it was tidy it’d be good, but maybe that’s a wish too far?! Right, now back to applying for studies. We can hope but I don’t need that much training (yay!)
It’s Turning Into A Total Fraud
May 6th, 2009
I feel like I am a total fraud at the moment. This blog was started because of my dependence of OTC medicines(over the counter) and painkillers and it was meant to reflect what life is like living with that dependence and track my slow withdrawal from the.
Instead it has turned into a general whinging place for myself and seems to have side-tracked away from the dependency issue and back onto the self-harm, eating and paranoia issues.
I apologise for this, but what can I say? All of the above things come together with me as a package and one thing is usually worse that another at a set point in time. At the beginning of the year when I started writing it was the medicine dependency. Now, at the yearend, after withdrawing from Pentazocine , still taking OTC drugs and painkillers, self-harming and managing to drop myself back into mental health services, it seems to be all of the above.
I guess the title “Fighting The Urge” still fits, except for it’s more ‘fighting the urges’ now.
The Un-Medicated Manic Depressive
May 5th, 2009
I have been up.
I have been down.
I have cried, laughed hysterically and sat paralysed staring into space in a one hour period.
I have found childlike jokes and conversations overly funny. I have found TV soaps and docu-dramas overly depressing.
I have been talking about nice, good things with people I care about and trust and have sounded on the brink of tears.
I have had a psychiatrist’s appointment in the morning and been threatened with hospital to curb the suicidal, overwhelming hallucinations I have been having and then seen my therapist in the afternoon who asks how many cups of coffee I have had because I appear that wired.
I have been deliberately making myself manic by drinking M&S’s version of Lucozade, which has added ‘high strength’ caffeine.
I have been taking pro-plus to make me higher, and large quantities of diazepam, codeine, tramadol and other opiates to calm me down.
My Car Is Turning Out To Be Very Expensive
May 4th, 2009
Somehow I managed to break the bonnet catch on my car on Wednesday night. Well actually it was quite simple, I pulled it too hard and it snapped off, rendering it useless. Luckily my car was already booked to go into the garage on Tuesday as the rear wiper has an intermittent fault where it stops working, this of course had righted itself by Wednesday night but I booked the car into the garage day before yesterday as I needed the bonnet catch fitting.
The car stayed in overnight as the part was due to arrive this morning and after I’d done the bits and pieces I needed to do today I went to pick it up. Unfortunately it needed new bonnet cables, a new bracket and handle. These, plus an hour and a half labour came to 6000rs. I have no idea where I am going to find the money from. My Dad has agreed to pay for the moment, but says I have to pay him back as I was the person who caused it to need to be fixed and it wasn’t a fault of the car’s. I don’t have 6000rs, equally I barely have enough money to put petrol in my car at present, but I feel really bad for breaking it and then it costing so much.
Otherwise today hasn’t been too bad.I feel horribly ill though.The headache/toothache
of yesterday has spread into a pain around my eye socket and down into my cheekbone and back teeth. If I had a blocked nose I would say it was sinusitis, but my nose is as clear as, so it isn’t. I’ve also developed a hacking cough and a sharp pain in the middle of my sternum when I cough or take a deep breath. Hopefully it will ease overnight, or I’ll make an appointment to see someone. This may sound a bit drastic, but apparently it’s the correct form as a chemo patient when your immune system is completely non-existent.
What's Worse ?
May 3rd, 2009
Feeling low, or nothing at all?
I’m getting really sick of this and also the way my mood keeps swapping from hyper bouncy to 6 feet under, in the space of 2 hours. Can we have some sense please soon, and some motivation?
You say it best…
May 2nd, 2009
… when you say nothing at all…
I’m back, still here, still not got anything to say. I’ve written stuff in my diary, but it sort of feels irrelevant, or I don’t know. I don’t feel anything; joy, sadness, all gone. I’m emotionless, and wordless. All the good things in life.
May Day
May 1st, 2009
May Day occurs on May 1 and refers to any of several public holidays. In many countries, May Day is synonymous with International Workers' Day, or Labour Day, which celebrates the social and economic achievements of the labour movement. As a day of celebration the holiday has ancient origins, and it can relate to many customs that have survived into modern times. Many of these customs are due to May Day being a cross-quarter day, meaning that in the Northern Hemisphere it falls approximately halfway between the spring equinox and summer solstice.Personality Disorder Test Results
April 30th, 2009
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid Disorder: | High |
| Schizoid Disorder: | High |
| Schizotypal Disorder: | Very High |
| Antisocial Disorder: | High |
| Borderline Disorder: | Very High |
| Histrionic Disorder: | Very High |
| Narcissistic Disorder: | Very High |
| Avoidant Disorder: | Very High |
| Dependent Disorder: | Very High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: | High |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders -- | |
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